Der Postillon (German version of The Onion) again:
Trump demands Pope to immediately canonize Charlie Kirk
Washington, D.C. (dpo) - Will millions of believers from around the world soon be praying to Saint Charlie? Donald Trump today clearly called on the Vatican to immediately initiate the canonization of Charlie Kirk. Otherwise, the US President reserved the right to take military action.
"I told the Pope that he must canonize our dear Charlie as soon as possible," Trump declared. "And the Pope had better listen to me. He's an American, and I'm his President."
If the Pope did not comply with Trump's wishes, the 79-year-old threatened airstrikes by the US military: "I've heard the Vatican is a tiny country defended by just a few guys with halberds. His Holiness the Pope should be wise and do the right thing."
As a sinless person without any blemish, Charlie Kirk is the perfect candidate for canonization. "Besides myself, there may not be anyone as holy as him," Trump said. "Except that he had to die. I think I'll go straight to heaven myself, which is a little more exclusive. But Charlie should be holy, better today than tomorrow. Holy Charlie! That sounds great, doesn't it? Holy Charlie, protect us! Did I tell you about my new ballroom for the White House? So, listen..."
According to the US Department of Defense, the US government has given the Vatican a 48-hour ultimatum for canonization.
Washington, D.C. (dpo) - Beten bald Millionen Gläubige aus aller Welt zum Heiligen Charlie? Donald Trump hat heute den Vatikan mit deutlichen Worten d
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