So, I decided, a bit randomly, to jump into Grand Theft Auto Online. Its been a while, it asked me to migrate to some kind of “enhanced version” and one of the zillion in game texts said something about missing my ten year anniversary.
But I logged in, and started getting my bearings. I was near some random, I wanted to find my apartment. There was a nice truck parked nearby, so I jumped in, and opened the map and headed to my place.
Upon arrival, I decided… I am done with this truck, and proceeded to start shooting it, I wanted to create a big flashy explosion, but instead it just started burning. Just before giving up, I got a text notification…
“This is the insurance company, since you decided to destroy your own vehicle, give us a call and we can arrange a replacement.”
Oops… I guess that truck was mine?
After getting the replacement truck, I entered my apartment, changed my clothes and headed to the garage. I barely remember any of these cars, but I did recognize my little pink conbertable cruiser, so I hopped in and went joy driving.
Then I rolled my pride and joy car into a river and… got another call from the insurance company.
Along the way, I came across the military base, which I remember being basically instant 4* alert. So, I decided, like any sane person, I would like to fly a jet.
So I stole a random dune buggy driving by and headed for the gate, blasting through and being quickly swarmed by soldiers who blew out my tires and shot me.
Ok, let’s try something else. I re-spawned near the base and walked the perimeter looking for holes, which there were none.
So I decided to try to be sneaky, and just, walked through the front gate. It was relatively quiet until I reached the parking lot, then… more guards. There was a big military truck across the parking lot so I made a break for it!
And I made it. All I needed was to get in and battering ram my way across the base to my prized fighter jet!
But it took too long to get started, and was not nearly as bullet resistant as hoped. Alas, I was shot to desth, again.
Ok, so, third time’s the charm right?
I found a motorcycle at a gas station nearby, a fast motorcycle. This time, I would blitzkreig my way into the base, faster than they could hit me!
And I did!
As I entered the tarmac, as if to compel me onward, the radio started blasting “Bad Girls” by MIA. “Live fast, die young bad girls do it well!”
I jetted down the runway on my motorcycle, dodging bullets and hummers! But… WHERE WAS MY JET???
I did a U turn at the end of the runway and headed back towards the pursuing soldiers. As I headed in, I saw it, a hanger, and a jet!
I bee-lined right for it and leapt from the bike as I entered the hanger, skidding across the pavement. I jumped at the jet and started boarding, just as the cockpit shut, the soldiers started swarming the hanger entrance. I fired it up, the thruster pushing me along, bullets flying, I was out of the hanger, I think I hit a hummer, but I was heading down the runway!
My moment of truth was upon me!
But… but… I have to played in a while, how do I lift off? How do I go up???? Oh fuck there is that blasted 20 foot fence!
And I went out, again, in a fireball of glory that was my jet.
