My Partner Just Came Out As Trans

[Cristiano]

Interesting thread in the /r/relationship_advice subreddit on how someone is dealing with the revelation that their partner is trans:

 

[Robert Jung]

This would be very difficult for me as well. In order to save the relationship I think I might be open to a polyyamorous solution, but most likely the ppartnership would change to being best friends.

 

[Tamara Artis]

Yeah interesting... I see it as a start of a good friendship, if they can forgive each other and don't let the bad thoughts take over. At least that's what I would try to do. All of us change and relationships end because of smaller changes people experience on a daily basis... it would be selfish from him not to let her/him change and become the person they want and it would also be selfish from him/her to expect this guy to stay in the relationship that doesn't match his sexual preferences.

 

[Beebo Brink]

it would be selfish from him not to let her/him change and become the person they want and it would also be selfish from him/her to expect this guy to stay in the relationship that doesn't match his sexual preferences.

This is the essence of support for a transperson: allow them to be who they are. Love them as that person. But be true to yourself as well, and if that means the sexual connection ends, that's just part of the transition too.

Not everyone is bisexual. Not everyone can be sexually aroused when so much body stuff changes. And no one should ever feel guilty for setting that boundary.

 

[Robert Jung]

At first owing to my rational views and politics, I thought I "should" consider palimory because it's the "progressive" thing to do; but no, that wouldn't work for me but a close friendship would be good.

 

[Kara Spengler]

It can get a bit complex. One thing is if they are still romantically, rather than sexually, attracted to each other.

A bit hard for me to give advice since my partner and I are asexual panromantics. My transition did not cause any relationship issues.

 

[Free]

Slightly related...

 

[Kara Spengler]

I have yet to figure out what side of any debate contrapoints is actually on. They so often have multiple characters in a vid to argue with themselves.

 

[Bartholomew Gallacher]

Exactly this happened to a female friend of mind: her partner, obviously male, came out as transgender and went down the whole way from being male to hormone therapy, getting surgery and all other, legal stuff.

She was completely devastated and heart broken, and never really fully recovered because of this.

 

[Kara Spengler]

Some people who transition for some reason assume they have to remain being straight after transition. Yes, when you get new hormones that might be the result but the usual is you still are attracted to the same population as before.

Anyway, one person I unfortunately know thought this was what she wanted so broke up with her wife (who accompanied her across the country to get surgery) and left her and their child. Who did she eventually wind up with? The other transwoman who got her surgery there that day and was recovering with her.

I could tell her ex was trying to lift the spirits of their kid after that but kept away even though I would have loved to help if I could. I realized my being around would have been a painful reminder for two reasons: one was that I was a transwoman who stayed in a relationship but the other was that my surgery at the same hospital had been the following week.

 

[Cristiano]

Related:

When We Got Married, She Was My Husband. Now She's My Wife.

 

[Bea McMahon]

Gender identity and sexual orientation are both complicated, and not well understood, due in large part, I think, to western society's attempts to see these issues as binary . We are only beginning to understand them, and come to terms with them.
Although I didn't realize it at the time, I came to SL to attempt to grapple with my own place in both areas. I had unknowingly started doing this in table top RPGs. I had no idea, when I modified the default shape available then, the facial resemblance between my appearance in the two wolds.
All I can say for certain is that it is complicated as hell. "Nonbinary" seems to be the best term.

 

[Kara Spengler]

Gender identity and sexual orientation are both complicated, and not well understood, due in large part, I think, to western society's attempts to see these issues as binary . We are only beginning to understand them, and come to terms with them.
Although I didn't realize it at the time, I came to SL to attempt to grapple with my own place in both areas. I had unknowingly started doing this in table top RPGs. I had no idea, when I modified the default shape available then, the facial resemblance between my appearance in the two wolds.
All I can say for certain is that it is complicated as hell. "Nonbinary" seems to be the best term.

Not just seeing them as binary (and without a 0 value) messes things up. Seeing the two concepts as linked in some way does not help either. It is a LOT more complicated that a lgbt 101 course would get into. Even within the community. I am sure I would start a flame war on many trans lists if I simply stated that I see trans people as a specialized case under nonbinary most of the time.

 

[Nadeja]

On a side there may be passion and sexual attraction, on the other side love. My sexual preferences/tastes are what they are, a body change could not match them anymore, but I'd still love that person, because I love that person, not a body. No matter how a friend or a family member looks, I love and care for them. For a relationship it's complicated, but that person would still be a special person to me and I'll still feel affection. At most we would have a different kind of relationship and in the worst of the cases we would be a sort of special friends. I won't abandon someone I love just because comes out as trans person.
The coming out itself isn't a light thing that you can simply do, and when one does, that person is giving you a ton of trust. If you do a difficult thing as a coming out - and no wonder you are crying in doing so - but your "darling" shows no empathy and rather abuses you and your trust, trashes you, covering you with insults and horrible things, even tells bullshit to anyone, attempting to destroy you socially or even becomes violent... it's likely that the only thing that person felt for you was sexual arousal and I don't think he or she was honestly loving you when he or she said so and pretended to be a caring person just to win your favors.
MemeMachine11 seems true instead. "I don’t want to hurt him", "I love him so much", I could feel that among the lines, and it's also perfectly understandable to not feel comfortable with the body change. They can still love each other and be friends or whatever fits them best. I hope for them they will find what's best for them.

 

[Rose Karuna]

Related:

When We Got Married, She Was My Husband. Now She's My Wife.

This just breaks my heart

"Many trans people who choose to come out face much less acceptance from their partner, family and friends, on top of very real concerns about their financial security and physical safety. "

 

[Bea McMahon]

Not just seeing them as binary (and without a 0 value) messes things up. Seeing the two concepts as linked in some way does not help either. It is a LOT more complicated that a lgbt 101 course would get into. Even within the community. I am sure I would start a flame war on many trans lists if I simply stated that I see trans people as a specialized case under nonbinary most of the time.

I know they aren't linked for everyone, but they are for me - which is why I said what I said.

 

[Lewis Luminos]

Interesting thread in the /r/relationship_advice subreddit on how someone is dealing with the revelation that their partner is trans:

I wish I could somehow get that guy to talk to my husband. Because he was in exactly the same position, eight years ago. New year's day, 2010, after about 14 years of trying to hide it and survive, I came to the end of the line. I had nothing left but transition or die. The fear of losing him, that had kept me from coming out sooner, was by then outweighed by the fear of what would happen to me if I did nothing.

So I told him. Fully expecting him to say that our marriage was over.

But he didn't. He hugged me, he told me that he wasn't really surprised, and he said that he loved me for me, not for my gender.

He's been with me every step of the way through my transition, and while it's been hard for him to be perceived as gay (he's bi but was never in a relationship with another man before) we are lucky to live where we do, in one of the most LGBT-friendly cities in the world. I'm pretty much post-transition now, I've had all the surgery I'm going to have, and two things stick strongly in my mind.

First, we haven't had a major fight or argument in 8 years. A lot of that is because of my hormones, I no longer experience the rage and anxiety that I used to. We're closer now, I think because we understand each other better. And because I'm more confident than I used to be, he no longer has the stress of carrying both of us in the relationship.

Second, I'm still surprised by how alike we look now. We're like one of those weird gay couples that look the same as each other.

Best thing I ever did, for both of us.