I see the you that you see

[Pancake]

This is going to come out all rambly and awkward because I'm struggling to put words to a feeling, but I hope I don't accidentally offend anyone while I try to sort this out. As suggested in the title, I want to try to express the feeling "I see the you that you see".

In my real life, I don't know many transgender people, or maybe I do but none have had the opportunity to confide in me. I want to believe that if I did, I would interact with them in the way that they see themselves, and that my interactions would not be tainted by the shell they happen to have been born in. I want to believe that, I think that's something I would strive to do, but I can't honestly claim that I would be good at it.

Online though, especially in text, I don't often have to prove that to myself, or even to push myself to learn to be better at it, because I see the you that you see. I'm not talking about the avatar, many people I interact with online via text only, forums for example. And yet, occasionally something will come up or someone mentions hormones, or surgery, or illness, or something that clues me that in real life they struggle with an inside that doesn't match the outside in some way, and it's not just limited to gender. I'm often taken aback by that, not in the betrayal or dishonesty kind of way, although I've had a few of those of the years, that's not what I'm talking about. It's more that.... I don't feel it when I interact with you. I believe you, I believe that you struggle, and my heart breaks for how difficult that must be. I also feel guilty that I haven't expressed any empathy in the times we've interacted, that I haven't given you the opportunity to talk about it with me. It's particularly awful when it comes up, and I realize that I knew, but I forgot all about it, because I guess it's that I see the you that you see. I never really think about it.

The internet allows you to show me who you are without that baggage, and in turn, allows me to interact with the inside you without being distracted by the outside you. You certainly don't need validation from me, you know who the inside you is, but if you ever carry any stress or concern about it, please know that if I don't bring it up, it's because the shell is irrelevant to me. I'm getting to know your authentic self. Whether it's gender, age, hair color, physical ability; I tend to forget that I'm not interacting with "that presented as a this", I'm just engaging with "this" and if at times that means our interactions give you the impression that I'm not sympathetic to your RL situation, or the struggle you go through, I apologize.

 

[Roxanne Blue]

Being "out" as transgender, I often explain to people that we are an "invisible minority". Before we transition or come out, no one knows we aren't the cisgender person we seem; after, we tend to try to blend into the gender binary. As a member of an LBGTQ group, I am regularly contacted by people wanting to connect to our local "transgender community". Many seem unable to understand that there isn't one.

It can be much easier for transgender people to "present" as their identified gender online because we get to define the "you" that is perceived. I was always Roxanne on the inside. It took the realization that I might not survive the depression of hiding myself from the world and those I love to make me understand I had to come out, or die.

 

[Pancake]

Thank you for putting words to what I think I was trying to say Roxanne.
Sometimes I think I haven't addressed, acknowledged, or somehow adjusted my thinking or interaction for the fact that someone is transgender. I only ever think of the gender that I've come to know them as. After having that sudden realization today, I just felt I should apologize if that has ever made someone feel bad. It was never my intention to dismiss or ignore the struggle they are going through.