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God must love stupid people.
A recent study has found, that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
My biggest fear about becoming a zombie, is all the walking that I'd have to do.
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
One day you're the best thing since sliced bread.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. - Will Rogers
Maybe if we start telling Republicans the brain is an app, they will start using it.
So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means? It's not the end of the world.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.
I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year, so I'm dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions?
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning. She said, "How do you know he was on his way to work?"
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older sister told me about it.
You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.
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