We are all mature.
Until somebody brings out the bubble wrap.
Until somebody brings out the bubble wrap.
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Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A. I don’t know and I don’t care.
You never realize how long a second actually is, until you stare at the countdown of an ad you can't skip.
You are never to old to learn something stupid.
Some people cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Change is inevitable.
Except from a vending machine.
My ability to turn holiday joy into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into weight gain.
Brexit: “In order not to fall off this cliff I will jump off this cliff”
If anyone gets a remote control for Christmas:
I need that back.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving.
Even if it's just not being a turkey.
I don't approve of political jokes...
I've seen too many of them get elected.
Sometimes, when I close my eyes .....
I can't see.
In New York someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
The poor bastard.
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
America is a triumph for democracy:
It shows that a total fool has just as good a chance as anybody else.
If my life had a flavor, it would be coffee.
Silence is golden.
Unless you have kids.
Then silence is suspicious.
No man has ever won a game of "Notice anything different about me?" -
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