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  • Respect your parents.
    They passed school without Google!
    Thank God, I don't have to hunt for food.
    I don't even know where tacos live!
    Old? Me?
    No, I'm vintage.
    Everybody wants to change the world, but nobody wants to change the toilet paper roll.
    Don't be sad when a bird craps on your head. Be happy that elephants can't fly.
    Tried watching The Never Ending Story, couldn't finish it.
    I'm not fat.
    I'm just ........
    easier to see!
    I want to be like a caterpillar.
    Eat a lot. Sleep a while.
    Wake up beautiful.
    Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
    Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
    Being normal is vastly overrated.
    I just saved some whine.
    It was stuck in a bottle.
    God must love stupid people.
    He made so many.
    A recent study has found, that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
    My biggest fear about becoming a zombie, is all the walking that I'd have to do.
    I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year.
    Now, it's Election night.
    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
    One day you're the best thing since sliced bread.
    The next, you're toast.
    Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
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