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  • Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
    I would quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
    Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
    There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.
    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but checks when you say the paint is wet?
    I always take life with a grain of salt.
    Plus, a slice of lemon.
    And a shot of tequila.
    I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.
    Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
    A. I don’t know and I don’t care.
    You never realize how long a second actually is, until you stare at the countdown of an ad you can't skip.
    Some people cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
    My ability to turn holiday joy into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into weight gain.
    Brexit: “In order not to fall off this cliff I will jump off this cliff”
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