I don't always work, but when I do; I make sure my boss is around.
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I'm just a person standing in front of a salad; asking it to be a donut.
I'm so dumb, my dog teaches me tricks
You never fully understand or value what you have until, of course, it's gone. And toilet paper is a good example
My girlfriend swallowed a bunch of glitter before sex. The orgasm was epic and really pretty.
If I were a plastic surgeon, I would add a squeaky toy in every breast implant.
The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven, says a lot about anticipated traffic.
A doctor told me I had 1 year left to live. I killed him and here I am ... in prison. 25 years and counting
Growing up means accepting that sometimes you are the pigeon and sometimes the statue.
I never trust children. They are here to replace us.
Did you just fall? No,
I was checking if gravity still works
It's amazing how fast they try to assist you when you start the chainsaw in the Home Depot
What have you learnt in this pandemic? me? To hold my cough
My last girlfriend was such a milf that when we'd do it cowgirl style, she used to say "first time I sit in my whole day".
Is that bunny your second life avatar?
- Hey boss, I have anal glaucoma ! - Anal Glaucoma ? What the hell is that ? - I can't see my ass going into work today
To all of you virgins !! thanks for nothing.
If you watch Matrix backwards it is the story about a guy that gives up drugs and finds a job
Tell Someone you love them today, because life is short. Shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.
My dad Richard and my dad John told me today that I was adopted. 21 Years living a lie !!! -
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